College Was Not Made for Me

After spending 7.5 years in college, I can look back and say, “college is simply not made for people like me.” My college experience was beset by problems, but miracles happened along the way:

I found that I was completely unprepared for college during my first semester. I wanted to be like everyone else, so I went out of state and flunked out. Between high school failing to prepare me for college, in more ways than just academics, my parents providing no guidance since I was a first-generation college student, and feeling like I was finally free to do what and when I wanted, it spiraled quickly. I ended up having a major depressive episode. I remember not bathing for two weeks at a time and eating whole jars of Nutella as I sat on my dorm room bed isolated from my college community. I earned a 1.4 GPA that semester, so I returned home and retreated to community college. 

I felt defeated and hated myself for not being like other people. I could not help but blame myself for failing at something I was expected to do like everyone else. During this time, I worked part-time and focused on a social life, which I never really had growing up. At community college, I tried to take 12 credits, but I had to drop two of them because I just could not handle it. I kept forgetting things, did not know how to study, was unable to manage my time, and just felt lost. 

After a few semesters, I decided I wanted to be a psychiatric nurse practitioner, so I left the community college to get my bachelor’s degree in nursing. I attempted to live on campus again, but this time I had to interact with others, and it was extremely difficult for me. I lasted one and a half semesters and then moved back home.

 Also during this time, I found that my grades were not up to par enough to get into nursing school, and I did not see how I could bring my GPA up enough, especially given the pre-nursing courses I had to take. The following semester, I took a nutrition course for nursing, which was a required nursing course, but I could take it without being accepted into the program. My professor did not like the idea that I had to use a calculator, despite it being an accommodation and having a math disability. She thought nurses should be able to do mental math in order to be successful, which as we all know makes no sense, not to mention that she was basically saying that you can’t be a nurse if you have a learning disability. I reported her, and she was forced, by law, to let me use one. When it came time to write a paper, I asked her how she specifically wanted it written, as it was not specified (narrative, informational, etc.). I still had yet to learn how to write on an academic level. She told me, but I thought best about how to proceed. When she returned the paper to me, it was full of sarcastic remarks in red ink about my paper, which I apparently did wrong. I remember going to my next class and just bawling my eyes out. This was clearly retaliatory and ableist behavior. Of course, after all of that, I decided to just major in psychology. 

I learned a lot at that university once I started taking psychology classes. Still, I realized that I still did not know how I learned or how to study. Finally, a miracle happened. I was taking an anatomy class for psychology majors, and while studying aimlessly, my brain just started automatically taking the information and organizing it in a tree chart type format. It allowed me to connect the material in a way that allowed me to actually learn and remember! This moment changed my life, and that class was the first class I got an A in since starting at that university. Piggybacking on that concept, I also learned how to take notes effectively through handwritten thought maps. And yes, it was there that I really mastered writing. 

I became really interested in biological psychology, and since the school was a liberal arts institution, I wanted to go to a school that had a more scientifc focus. That is when I transferred to my last and final institution. By this time, I was 23 years old, completely disheartened and embarrassed that I was still in school while my peers had moved on and become actual “adults.” Still, by this time, I had finally figured out college, and I was able to take 12 credits and received mostly A’s and some B’s. I tried to live on campus again, but this time in the apartments with roommates. Let me just say that I have never felt so alone being around other people. I did that for my first year and a half, and then I moved home for my last semester. 

It was this university that gave me an internship, which started my career in special education. The university also gave me the opportunity to start a chapter of an honors society for students with disabilities, and it allowed me to take more science-based coursework. It was also nice not to have to write 10-page papers for every class. In general, this experience was the best I had yet, at least until I had to take precalc and molecular genetics. 

When I took precalc, I did have to drop a class, but I am glad I did. I had to visit my professor during every single office hour, I went to the tutoring center, I watched videos, and I was getting through it. Then we started trig. I remember after our first class on trig, I had an advising appointment. I went to the appointment inconsolably in tears because I was so lost, as I never took anything remotely similar to trig. I told my advisor that it was like attending a lecture in Chinese when I didn’t understand the language. He calmed me down and told me something I will never forget: “Think about a time that you felt there was no way you could accomplish something, but that you did end up accomplishing. Think about that because this situation is no different.” I think this statement really sums up my college experience, and I revisit the message whenever I have to do hard things and feel frightened or discouraged. I ended up getting a B in precalc, which I am still quite proud of. 

In my final semester, I took molecular genetics. If that wasn’t hard enough, it was taught horribly. Looking back as an educator, I really do not think this method would work for most people, especially for a complex topic such as molecular genetics. It was set up so that we can teach ourselves the material through assigned readings, then apply what we learned (or were supposed to learn) in our assigned group in class. It was a nightmare, especially for someone with convergence, eye tracking, and reading comprehension issues. Once again, I went to all of my professor’s office hours, studied diligently, and watched videos on Youtube, which saved me. I ended up passing with a C, which I took happily since I really did not think I would pass at all. This was very stressful, as failing it would have prevented me from graduating that semester. 

At that point, I was proud of myself because my GPA was high enough to graduate with honors. I was really proud and looked forward to such an accomplishment. After I received my final grades at the end of my last semester, the C in molecular genetics brought me down to just a few points below the GPA I needed to graduate with honors. I needed a 3.5, but I had a 3.479 (yes, I still remember the numbers to this day). I remember crying and begging the registrar to make an exception, but they wouldn’t. In December of 2014, I finally graduated!